Play to play, not to win



The weather.  That’s how I refer to my moods. They tend to be all encompassing, filters that color my whole world.  The analogy feels so native to me, that I’m surprised when I need to clarify it for someone else.

Right now the weather is threatening rain.  It has the feel of that 3-day all grey steady rain.  No real downpour.  No break either.  One of the differences between my moods and the actual weather is that how I respond to my mood influences the course of the mood.  Not in a one-to-one deterministic sense.  There’s no prescribed action that will get me out of a depression or preordained response that will prevent a hypomania’s spiral.  I know, because I’ve looked for those actions and responses.  Hard.  It’s like trying to engineer my mood.  But just like weather, moods are a chaotic system. 

Chaos defies manipulation.  Which is ‘good news’, as my teacher Chogyam Trungpa Rinpoche used to say.  Nevertheless, it’s hard not to feel demoralized.  It is neither true that I am powerless nor that I am in control.  I am in play.  Hmmm.  That reminds me of one of my favorite books: Finite and Infinite Games by James Carse.  ‘I play to play, not to win’ ; I’m not sure if it’s a quote or  just something I internalized based on the book, but it’s inspiring to me right now.  Freedom from the tyranny of outcome without the fallacy of fantasy.  A good invitation to manifest spontaneity.  

'Green Dragon' by Blatte -- Fractals can be thought of as visualizing chaotic systems

How do I manifest spontaneity amidst the very real need for discipline?  How can I inhabit discipline unstifled?  In the moment, I can connect with a sense of poignancy and abruptly release my preconceptions.  Although discipline is enacted moment-by-moment, there’s also some sense of over-arching purpose.  But when I engage purpose, it’s so easy to fall under the tyranny of outcome.  

Right now I feel like I’m far away from anything embodied, at least as far as this writing goes.  I want to ground some.  Get some soil between my fingers.  Maybe the victory is coming un-stuck. Unstuck and ready to listen.  Ready to feel.  Feeling is the only way I’ve found to dance with chaos.  

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