Final Reflection (pt 2): Revisiting my intention


Wow.  I really wish I had reread that sooner, that post that I wrote at the beginning.  That guy had some insight into how to practice.  On the other hand, he overestimated what goals were reasonable.  When I think back, especially after about 2 weeks in, I think I was trying to practice a whole dathün.  Part of this was built in.  I had to plan it as I went.  Which meant that I had to build my container, hold it, and relax into it.  That’s a lot for one person to do.

Another thing leapt out at me. Namely, this sentence: "In the summer of 2007, I thought a lot about weeks in groups of 1, 2 and eventually 4.”  Not biting off a 4 week chunk all at once could have been really helpful.  Moving forward I’m going to try focusing on 2 week chunks, with a 1 week check-in.  It won’t be the same practice container as I had envisioned for Dissertation Dathun.  But when I look at it, Dissertation Dathun didn’t have the practice container that I implicitly envisioned.  And for whatever reason, I was unwilling to look directly and allow that practice container be what it was or what it could be.  That would have meant letting go of my imagined vision for Dissertation Dathun. 


Simplicity and motivation.  Connecting with a larger overall motivation.  When I think back on my qualifying exams (which I know weren’t actually as disciplined as I remember), one of the things that I had was a very clear motivation.  I wanted to do my best so that I could feel genuine at my wedding, whether I passed or failed.  So part of my motivation was just Maitri being around all the time and imagining us standing at the shrine.  I wanted to give her my best me on our wedding day.  Concrete motivation.  Not the kind of thing that I can ignore myself out of.  Failure is possible.  Trying to formulate a motivation that avoids the possibility of failure will lead to a wan and limp motivation, or one that’s so abstract it’s useless.  

Maitri returns home today.  Then we have a meditation retreat in 2.5 weeks.  Seems like a good practice period.  Good time to practice simplicity.

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