Dissertation Dathün: Day 1

Today I’m beginning a project.  For the next four weeks, I aspire to engage my life as I would on retreat.  Today is Monday.  On Friday I had knee surgery with 2 possible outcomes: 1) Remove part of my meniscus: 2-7 day recovery and 2) Repair my meniscus: 4 weeks on crutches with no weight bearing, 6 weeks on crutches minimum.  When I woke up from surgery, my left leg felt large and amorphous.  It had a pretty serious brace on it.  I asked the nurse in the recovery room the outcome of my surgery.  I have no idea how she responded but I remember knowing, without much thought: 4 weeks without being able to carry out everyday life tasks unassisted.

4 is a magic number of weeks for me.  In the summer of 2007, I thought a lot about weeks in groups of 1, 2 and eventually 4.  These were weeks of meditation retreat.  In the Shambhala tradition we have a practice called ‘dathün’ which is a tibetan word meaning ‘month [long] session’ (edit: really it means 'moon session', which I found thanks to some of Joyful Garuda's (my hostess) writing).  It was said during my dathun that you can’t actually sit a whole dathun, you can only practice one moment at a time.  

Up til now, I’ve been trying to write a whole dissertation, which I’ve found, cannot really be done.  From the point of view of practice, one can only write a dissertation one moment at a time.  Each moment has to be a choice to be with what’s happening, rather than turning away.  This is a theme that I think will develop throughout this month.  Because, you may be asking yourself, “What is a dissertation dathun?”  I will find out by doing it.  

Any period of practice benefits tremendously from connecting with aspiration at the beginning.  In the case of a Dathün, part of that aspiration, for me is to practice for the whole month.  For the next month this means working genuinely.  My goal in this case, at this point, is actually not accomplishment oriented.  It cannot be.  I am working inside physical constraints, that I’ve never worked with before.  There will be doctor’s appointments, pain-killers, physical therapy and asking for help and asking for help and asking for help with the things I cannot do for myself.

With the view of bravery, facing my situation, however it manifests, wholeheartedly.  Not engaging the false salve of wishful thinking/ignorance.  

With the method of gentleness, softening to what is so that it can be recognized.  Leaving enough space for insight to arise.  

The outcome will be exertion.  I meet a block here.  Part of me is saying that, “It is not enough just to ‘make progress’.  We’ve been down that road before.  Spent 3 years on it.”  For me, exertion has some connection with accomplishment.  But I’m afraid to commit to accomplishing something that I will fail to accomplish.  So here it is: engaging the stance of bravery, what do I aspire to accomplish?  

1) To have collected all the neuroimaging data for my dissertation.

2) To submit my dissertation proposal.

3) To have begun to analyze my neuroimaging data, specifically, the multivariate pattern analyses.  

Number 3 is not a very clear goal.  It will have to be honed as I approach it.  I don’t know enough of the steps to articulate a realistic mark to reach at the end of 4 weeks.  

Finally, connected with aspiration is motivation.  I’m not just doing this for me.  I’m doing this Dissertation Dathün for all those it might someday benefit.  Those to whom I might be able to offer this practice.  

Tomorrow: gently engaging a schedule.