Birthing a Dragon Pt. 1


Sun Dragon submitted to Stanford Solar Center by Henry Roll.

 


I just got back from a 3 week program at Shambhala Mountain Center.  Re-entry into my midwestern PhD life has been anything but what I expected.  Being in a 3 week intensive meditation program surpasses any description, but it’s sort of like experiencing your whole life through both a microscope and a telescope at both 0.5x and 1.5x speed.  That feels like a pretty apt description, but I find myself frozen up, thinking I can’t possibly convey this experience.  And I can’t.  But I can share something with you.  This is what I want to share.


One evening after a lot of processing with Maitri during the day, I really needed to be alone.  During dinner, I was thinking that I was going to go somewhere outside and just be with myself and settle into what I was feeling.  All I could do was go to the tent.  I lay down and I was overwhelmed.  Tears welled.  Tears streamed.  My thoughts leapt from the past 5 hours to the next week, the next year, the next 5 years.  So hopeless.  Where will the wherewithal come from to finish my dissertation?  If I can’t do that, why would Maitri even stay with me, it has to be too much work as it is.  Then a puff of transparency.  Oh.  This isn’t solid.  It is present.  I feel immersed in it, but there’s something else here.  Space.  More tears stream.  How could I even…? 

After lying there for and hour and a half, Maitri comes back.  She can tell I’m crying.  I want to tell her not to worry.  But I’m worried.  Space is forgotten.  What if this is still here tomorrow?  What if this feeling stays for a month? three months? a year? 

I woke up and got dressed.  No hesitation.  No wondering if I can 'even do today’.  Later in the day, Maitri says last night I birthed a dragon.  That felt true.  

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