A Way of Being










Francisco Varela
Looking back over my life, whenever I’ve tried to model myself off of someone else, either on their own recommendation or on my own hope of salvation, it has not worked.  I also see many times when I could have listened to someone’s advice and benefitted greatly, but through arrogance, stubbornness or good old-fashioned self-determination I ignored it as not applying to me.  Between these 2 poles, I suspect that there is a middle-way of being.  Being willing to listen.  Being willing to ‘hold myself the principal witness’ ultimately.  Open to outside interaction without being addicted to it.  
William James
In terms of my moods (and their dysorder), it seems like I listen too hard to my internal voices.  When I’m hypomanic, this results in an arrogance such that I ignore messages from the environment.  I know best, and I am responsible for enacting my unique vision for how my life should be which no one else could possibly understand, because I am just too unique.  Which is why watching videos about how to do left-handed calligraphy is undoubtedly the best use of my time right now.  When I’m depressed, I am terrified that someone will be able to see precisely how utterly worthless I really am.  
  
Dancin'
 I just want to dance the steps of each situation I live.  Obsessed with the myself as the dancer, obsessed with the other dancers on the floor, I enter into dancing as calculation.  Joyless and engineered for protection from risk and embarrassment.  I guess I want a life that is all about the dancing, the movement, even intentional stillness.  So, will I wait all day terrified of the wrong step?  Will I trust myself to resound through mistaken weight-shifts, finding new directions, new ways of moving, genuine ways of being?  Put that way, the choice seems obvious.   


UPDATE 05/10/2017: I had no idea that "A way of being" is also the title of a book by Carl Rogers.  I haven't read it yet.  When I do, maybe there will be another post.  

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